Mom Unplugged

An Eye Opening Unplugged Moment for Me

Dec 27, 2007 Unplugged Moments

Last night I had a serious conversation with God. I mean one of those one where I was blubbering, snottin’ and all that stuff.

This year my goal was to see glimpses of heaven and I did in so many ways. However, I think I wanted all the good stuff and none of the bad. Don’t you know I was so wrong to expect that?

You see when God shows you the glimpses He will show you the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not that heaven is bad and ugly but the pieces of me that are bad, ugly, and in need of some serious adjusting.

So in essence God not only showed me glimpses of heaven but glimpses of LaTara too. I think that is because I worked so hard at being closer to Him than ever before. I wanted our relationship to flourish because I had been so angry with Him in the past few years. I blamed God for so much that was going wrong, only to realize that it was not Him at all.

It was ME!

I needed to realize where I went wrong in my life. My struggle has been a result of my mind set and the fact that wrapping my head around my inner beauty was not even in my memory of who I am in God’s eye. I am the Apple of His Eye!

I could not see that because my mind was clouded…..just full of unnecessary stuff.

Sure I am at a point of knowing better; but after thirty something years in a pit that I was thrown into and chose to just live in, when you come out there are so many bags to unpack and sort through.

Maybe that is why my main goal for 2008 is to remove all the unnecessary weight: Physical, mental, and even spiritual.

I was up until about 12:00 or 12:30 just talking to God about where I am in my marriage and with my finances.

My marriage is better than it has ever been in the 5 short years we have been together but my finances….WOO now that’s another story.

I am trying to gain a footing but I keep slipping. It is hard when your husband does not get it and so he doesn’t support it much because he thinks it is more of a hobby. Well, this is an area where our marriage is hurting but I am ok with it because you know what it is what it is.

I had to be very honest with myself and say that because I did not handle certain issues right, then I am at a point of having to close down my sites. That hurts but it is the truth. Seeing all red and no black even after you put in so much effort can hurt. In just a few short days it will be that time again…time to pay some bills…..and I just can’t do it right now.

You know it would be different if I were in a whole lot of debt but I am not. However can see myself going that way if I don’t get a grip.

This was my biggest dilemma during my yell fest with God. He didn’t yell but I sure did.

I do the work, follow the rules, and push yet it is like I am trying to get juice from turnips. I can’t pick up that $10 report because I can’t even pay a $10 bill. I can’t get that Dave Ramsey book I want, and probably need, because I can’t see beyond the red.

RED! RED! GO TO BED!

I know! I know this too shall pass. However, I am at a standstill! I have no idea how things will get paid to maintain my business.

My man just does not get that it is a business and he has two sub-contractors to pay, so rent, food, gas, and lights come before what I need for business.

So I am going to hold on until the first of the month, that start of a New Year and see what happens. If I find the funds then Praise God and even if I don’t and I have to shut the doors on it all then Hallelujah anyhow and I will still praise Him.

This is an unplugged moment for me because I am accepting things as they are. Normally I would try to rob Peter to pay Paul but I can’t keep living my life like a charity case. I gotta get beyond that. So I am accepting where I am.

I am trying to look at things through some rose colored glasses and tell myself that if I have to shut it all down then maybe there is just something different for me to do or maybe I need to take the stuff offline.

Still trying to figure all this out. I know God will guide me because for once in a long time, I am all ears.

I can’t do anything else but listen!