Mom Unplugged

Repositioning My Marriage

Jul 20, 2008 Unplugged Authentcity

As I read this book, I realize that I also need to reposition my marriage; even more so than I already have. On September 1 I will be celebrating my 6th Anniversary and I have to be honest when I say that my first few years were pure hell and I was ready to jump ship so many times.

There are many layers to the story of my life with the Man but for the sake of this post, I will only focus on the ones that I think had the most impact on why I went through so much pain.

My husband and I met on July 4, 2002 over the internet. It was a fast courtship as we both knew what we were looking for and we were older than the average couple when they marry, so we married after his visit to my home in Los Angeles. I had already been told by my mentor years before meeting Rupert that I was going to marry fast. I did not believe her and look who was right. Were Nancy still alive today, she would still be laughing.
I moved to Chicago in November of that same year and while on birth control, became pregnant with Brehane in December. Talk about a shock to my system. We were not expecting that at all but we worked our way through it and thanked God for the blessing that would be Brehane Yosef Ham-Ying.
My husband is an odd man who I think has way too much intelligence for any one human. As result it can sometimes make living with him very unbearable. But he can find a solution for just about anything. Ever heard of McGyver? Well my husband is him in the flesh. I have to admit though that being married to a hot headed woman for the last 6 years has taught him much and he see that he does not have the control he thought he did.
I went into the marriage depressed and as result it reaked havoc on many things in our marriage. I also had an attitude issue because I was not as trustworthy of men as some women are. I was raised by my momma who after being abused by my sister’s father decided never to marry again and she never let another man step over her. However, she did not teach her daughters the value of a man outside of making sure he had money and a job.

I had to help my sister fight her husband, watched my momma beat up my drunk aunt’s drunk boyfriends time after time again until my momma finally told her to get out, and I was sexually abused by, not one, but 5 different people, 4 of them being male. When my daddy found out that one of the men was my own step-brother he beat the fool out of him and told me that he would never bother me again. Which he did not but my daddy also did not tell my momma which in turn means I received no help for the problem. And then my daddy died in 1985.

When Daddy died it was as if my very life slipped from me and I went deeper and deeper into an abyss of mistrust, bitterness, and even anger.

I realized sometime later that all of these events perpetrated by men left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth when it came to trust. For me I had been disappointed by every man who entered my life, even Daddy because he died before it was time.

Yet, I knew I wanted to be married. I learned that while I had forgiven all those who were a part of my downfall into depression, I did not heal from that abusive past. I carried it with me into my marriage, unbeknown to me, and in turn I did some very mean things to my husband.

So you see a few of the layers and you can see that they run pretty deep because there are more.

In 2006, I began to work on LaTara and all I had contributed to our marriage. I allowed God to show me all the ugliness that dwelled deeper than I had imagined. What He showed me was not good but I had to look in the mirror in order to begin the healing process.

Let me pause here to say that while I am not the only one in this marriage and it takes two to tangle, I can only be responsible for me.

What Repositioning Yourself is confirming for me is that I am on the right road. When TD talks about dealing with those voices of reasons, I felt very connected to L Lover. I gave my husband the blues in many instanced and mis-trusted him, closing him out of much of my life out of fear, that like many of the men in my life, he too would disappoint.

My marriage is much better today than it was yesterday. I am learning to appreciate and trust the man that God put in my path for a life together; bringing Him Glory. Is it perfect? Heck no! But it is much better.